Keys to NVC

First Key to NVC : TRANSLATING ACCUSATORY JUDGMENTS INTO UNMET NEEDS

The following example is reported by Marshall Rosenberg, who met in jail an inmate complaining about the prison direcor.

The inmate: I wrote to the warden three weeks ago asking him to attend a training course, and he still hasn't replied. These wardens are cold, anonymous bureaucrats who don't care about anyone and only think about themselves!
M. Rosenberg: What is your need, your desire, your aspiration?
But I told you: I need an answer. And I need to be treated with respect.
All right, you need the warden to respect you. That's up to the warden. But there's a deeper need that you have control over. You expressed it to me. What is that need?

After a moment of silence, the inmate replies:

I need this training. If I don't get it, a few days after I leave prison I'll be back behind bars, because I won't have learned anything to help me integrate into the world of work.
There we are. Think about it. You have two options. Either you go to the warden and say, "This is outrageous, I wrote to you three weeks ago and you still haven't replied. You directors are cold, anonymous bureaucrats. You don't care about anyone but yourselves.“ Or you can say, ”Director, I need this training. If I don't get it, a few days after I leave prison, I'll be back behind bars." How do you think you are more likely to get what you want?

The inmate does not answer. He silently leaves the room. A few hours later, Marshall meets him in a prison hallway and asks him:

Well, what happened?
Marshall, if you had taught me that earlier, I wouldn't have killed my best friend.

This example illustrates that in order to get what you want, you need to translate ACCUSATORY JUDGMENTS into UNMET NEEDS.

When the inmate makes an accusatory judgment about the warden, he considers the warden's behavior to be the cause of his suffering. In other words, he considers that the cause of his suffering lies outside himself. The prisoner therefore relinquishes responsibility and fails to see his own role in his suffering. When the prisoner becomes aware of his unmet need for training, he takes responsibility. He realizes that it is up to him to defend the validity of his request.
“Words are windows or walls” is the French title of Mr. Rosenberg's bestseller. Telling someone that what they are doing is wrong uses language that will trigger a defensive or counterattacking response. Of course, if I see my son hitting his sister, I will say “Stop” to protect the connection between them. And, with the same intention, I may even use force to physically separate them. But I will not say to my son, “You are bad." I may say to him, “We all need to be safe: your sister, you, and me.” Blame, insults, and criticism have the same effect as accusatory judgments. The same goes for thoughts such as, “I'm right, you're wrong.” Also, labels such as, “He's a traditionalist”; diagnoses such as, “He's mentally ill”; or comparisons such as, “Isabelle is more talented than you.
Note that the training needs of the inmate align with the needs of the prison direcor and of the civil society: to reduce the number of prisoners and jails, and to increase the autonomy of every human being. Both are winners.

Deeply human needs

In NVC, the word “need” also encompasses: longing, desire, wish, heart’s impulse, value... On the home page, I wrote: “I burn with desire to make known the existence of the divine energy of love that connects us to each other and to the Universe.” This is my deepest need at this moment.

In NVC, a need is an energy that drives us to action, consciously or unconsciously. A need is not a lack.

Deeply human needs are universal. Because we share the same humanity, we all have the same needs. So when we focus our attention on our own needs and those of others, it is easier to hear and understand each other.